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SPECIAL REPORT: HOT COMPETITION IN RACE FOR LOWEST RANKED SCHOOL
SYSTEM
WASHINGTON- Things are getting hot in the race for the lowest ranked
school system in the US, with Texas holding strong right now. Texas
governor George W. Bush claimed, "We will not be second best to
anyone. Texas will be ranked 50, the way it has for years, and stay
the best."
Mississippi superintendent Larry Washier responded to Bush's bold
statements with it's own sub-par education system.
Washier claimed, "We're going as far as replacing our textbooks with
leaflets. Books are way too much strain on the students."
Bush countered this by beginning an "execution" day for pupils,
with new inspiring slogan: "Texas Education: If we can't learn 'em,
we burn 'em." He claimed to reporters, "When people say that Texas
is a big hole in the ground, we want them to really mean it."
Also Texas has planned to re-define the meaning of the three R's
making them, "relaxing, reclining, and resisting arrest."
In response, Arkansas has given children Ground-Hog Day, Arbor Day,
Sweetest Day and National Secretaries' Day off of school to keep up
with the heat. They're developing a holiday of their own called
"Pork Day" to "Give pork its credit," sources say.
Also, Arkansas has planned to give children one personal day off each
week to rest, and they've lowered the percentage needed to receive
a "C" grade to 47%. "Kids are just too stressed," claimed Mrs.
Ganerra, fourth grade reading teacher at Hillmont Elementary, "They
need time to find themselves."
Never one to be left out, Kentucky has converted their elementary
schools into sweatshops for Nike. Congressman Ernie Fletcher
commented, "With the government trying to cut into our tobacco money,
we need to get some revenue somehow. Why stimulate some 3rd World
country's economy?" Fletcher plans to pay the children with expired
packs of GPC cigarettes claiming, "There's nothing wrong with
smoking. Don't you read cigarette ads?"
Kentucky is also launching the new "Crackateria" program where
Valiums are replacing cookies and milk. Children will also be
allowed to sniff jet glue between classes.
"If one kid is giving you lip," claimed Tates Creek Elementary
science teacher Eric Davis, "Let him huff a little bit of this shit
and watch him stare at you like a deer in headlights when you're
trying to teach."
The race is heated and close, and here at RadicalComedy, we're not
sure what state will end up with the award for "Worst School System."
We'll keep you posted as the story unfolds.
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SMOKER REVIVES ANTIQUE CIGARETTE HOLDER BUT MISUNDERSTANDS CONCEPT
PADUCAH, KY- Willy Helix recently tried to recreate the classy
look of the Audrey Hepburn style "cigarette holder" by inventing
what he calls the "Fumigator".
"Yeah, I smoke a pack a day...why not do it all at once."
Willy has patented his idea and intends to market it in early
February.
"I know people will jump on the opportunity to consolidate their
smoking day, while still looking trendy and chic."
We'll keep you posted on Willy.
Tim@ientry.com
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NATIONAL "POT SMOKERS ALLIANCE" MEETING STARTS 30 MINUTES LATE, THREE
DAYS IN A ROW
Portland, OR- The National Pot Smokers Alliance met last weekend for
some long debates on which strategy they should employ to stimulate
marijuana legalization. The only problem they faced was starting on
time, and having to have repeated, "Munchie Breaks."
"We'd be really hitting some hot topics and then one person
would fart and everyone would start laughing," Claimed PSA Vice-President
Lawrence Fitting. "Every time I would mention anything like "joint-
venture" I had to wait about five minutes until the snickering died
down."
Frustrated, Fitting continued to say, "On top of that, I couldn't get
any of the meetings started on time because...you know how these
types are...they're not in a big hurry."
Apparently the meeting was not as productive as planned, but Fitting
concluded, "We may not have worked out any problems, but...what was
I saying?"
We'll keep you posted.
Tim@radicalcomedy.com
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HEATHER AND TIM MAKE-UP, AND OUT
The beef at eZined.com has finally settled when Heather admitted that
her website was clearly not as good as Tim's site. The beef started
some three weeks ago when the two disagreed over who had the best ezine.
"I really just can't compete with him," admitted Heather. "He's
way too clever for me."
Apparently the two shook hands over the disagreement and then let
things "Get a little heated."
"It just all happened. It was wonderful. The best moment of bliss
I have ever experienced in my life," admitted Heather.
"I'm not bragging or nothing," replied Tim. "But I've got my
technique down. I don't tickle or nothing."
To find our more, subscribe to RadicalComedy.com.
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BEANS, GOOD FOR THE HEART
PADUCAH, KY- Area man Simon Wallace recently had dinner with his fiancée Renee's family, The Holdings.
"Dinner was going OK," reported Simon. "I had some beans earlier
though and they were rumbling in my stomach at the table. Unfortunately,
I let one go while we were eating, but luckily the dog was under
my seat and Mr. Holding yelled, 'Spot'! So I thought, 'Yeah, I lucked
out there'. Then I did it again, I couldn't help it, I was
feeling gassy. Mr. Holding again yelled, 'Spot'! I was glad
the dog was there to take the heat off of me."
Simon continued, "I thought I was cool, but I wasn't. I felt it
coming one more time...and boy did I let one rip. I was glad the
dog was there. Only, that's when Mr. Holding yelled, "Spot! That's
three times I've yelled for you...Get over here before that man
shits on you."
We'll give you a detailed story of Renee and Simon's honeymoon at
RadicalComedy.com.
Tim@Radicalcomedy.com
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