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McDONALD'S OFFERS NEW PROZAC HAPPY MEAL
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OAKBROOK, IL- McDonald's just launched a new promotion that is
intended to strengthen the sales of Happy Meals across the nation.
The new concept, "The Prozac Burger" is for children who sit in the
back of the mini-van and scream to their parents "Mommy, Mommy, I
want a Happy Meal."
 "This is really more for the parents," claimed Patrick Nelson, Vice-
President of Marketing. "We realize that our products really put
kids in a frenzy. McDonald's has always been one to keep up with
the changing times, so it's understandable why we tried this product."
Bethany Boydlock, who was one of the consumers to test the new
product said, "Yeah, it's a great idea. My son Robby got half-way
through the burger and just started staring out the window. In
fact, he didn't say anything for the rest of the day."
The packaging on the new Happy Meal has changed as well. "We didn't
put any French fries in it," claimed Nelson. "We found that they
were a waste because the kids would just sit there and stare at
them. We realized that the toy didn't need to be too complex either.
We've been just putting rocks and twigs in the box. -After a few
bites, the kids really think it's a Teeny Beanie Baby."
The burger is just in a test market now, but is scheduled to make a
world-wide debut by February. Be sure to try it.
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GIRL SHOWS FLEXIBILITY, GROSSES OUT PARTY
FT. WAYNE, IN- Jill Highland, stock-broker and occasional belly
dancer, threw a party last Friday that turned into a platform to
show-off her flexibility to her friends.
"Yeah we were just talking, getting a little bit closer to each
other," commented Felix Hammer -who was almost interested in Jill.
"And she started bragging about how flexible she was. I thought
she was coming on to me, so I was like 'Yeah I'd like to see how
flexible you are.' She scurried off and came back ten minutes in
a leotard are started doing some really sick shit."
Apparently the party was going well, but ended early because
everyone at the party "Had something really important to do the
next day."
Jill is scheduling another party for next week, anyone interested
in attending send email to Tim@ientry.com
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EVIL GENIUS TAKES CONTROL OF WHITE HOUSE
In an effort to end the controversy surrounding the Presidential
Election, Bill Gates, CEO and founder of Microsoft has declared
himself to be the new "President Elect" of the United States.
Using the guerilla tactics that he is most famous for, Mr. Gates'
troops stormed the house located at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave,
Washington, DC and took control of the Oval Office.
"Their team was just too well trained at performing hostile
takeovers for us to put up any resistance" said a high ranking
Secret Service Agent.
 In a press conference conducted after the takeover, "President Elect"
Bill Gates said "In my first year as your President I plan to
reverse those anti-capitalist antitrust laws so that we can move
this country further into the 21st century." When questioned on
who he is planning to appoint to his Cabinet, "President Elect"
Gates stated that he was reviewing resumes from the Christian
Coalition and expected to choose from the most hypocritical of
them.
Other legislation the new "President Elect" plans to enact is to
open reeducation camps for those errant users of non Microsoft
products and to outlaw the use of Netscape 6.0 within the United
States and its territories.
Later in the press conference, "President Elect" Gates concluded,
"They should have seen this coming. Hell, those other two idiots
can't figure it out, I decided it was best if the country was in my
hands. After all, it already is."
At the time of publication, no lawsuits have been filed contesting
these events.
By contributing writer Patrick Stoddard
Tim@radicalcomedy.com
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BEEF AT EZINED.COM CONTINUES....
Lexington, KY- What seemed to start out as a simple disagreement has
turned to a full-scale conflict with both Heather Kendall and Tim
Mars resorting to guerilla-style combat techniques. The beef,
which developed last week, was centered around a few snide comments
tossed around in the news room.
"He thought he was so clever, so I kicked him in the nuts," said
Heather.
Tim apparently has responded to Heather's assault by blackening both
of her eyes yelling, "Air-brush THIS!"
The two have continued to harass each other with whoopee cushions
and other embarrassing office jokes.
"She put vinegar in my water, so I stapled her jacket to her chair.
That should teach her to fuck with me," Tim claimed.
"That's nothing," insisted Heather. "He has this little duck that
he keeps around the office. Oh brother! You'll never guess what I
did with that."
"Loopy, my duck, just hasn't been the same," claimed Tim.
The tension is rising. Stay tuned to see who finally wins the "Beef
at Ezined.com".
Tim@Radicalcomedy.com
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