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LOCAL HOMELESS "GET CREATIVE"
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LOUISVILLE, KY- Local homeless man, Duncan Johnson, has been taking
a new approach to panhandling.
 "Sometimes I rhyme, to get me a dime," claimed Duncan.
Apparently Duncan has been taking a more hip route to begging for
change. His new technique consists of rapping to rouse the change
out of pockets.
"Other bums think they slick, but they don't know my style. I get
more change than an overweight stripper with a smile."
Duncan reportedly scooped-up $62 on his first day, and has been
increasing his earnings steadily. "It's all about gettin' paid!"
He said exuberantly.
Support your local Duncan.
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ORDER SCOTT PEACE'S HIT NOVEL:
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MORTICIAN GETS LAUGHS FROM MOURNERS
CASPER, WY- Larry Penkle, 35, has been changing the look of
Goodman's Funeral Home recently, but it isn't the furniture that
he's rearranging.
"I just got sick of seeing these solemn faces on the cadavers. I
thought, 'Hey it's a funeral...let's have some fun."
Larry reportedly started making some changes to the local dead to
get laughs out of the family members.
"One time I tied a little bit of fishing wire to this one guy's
chin. I hid behind the coffin and every time the little kids would
look in, I'd pull the wire and say 'hey there little buddies!' The
kids would shriek in terror at first, but I know that once they
started thinking about it, they saw the humor."
Larry continued with more stories.
"One time I took this guy and we propped him on a chair, like he
was sitting there just thinking. We put him right next to the grave
and just kicked him in there, no coffin or nothing...what a hoot!"
When asked what the reaction was, Larry responded, "Oh people love
it! At first they look a little edgy, but they know this is how
their loved one would have wanted it. Like the Andersons.
Grandpa Anderson was always a ladies' man, even in his later years.
So when we dressed him up, we put a tux on him and had him standing
next to the coffin with a bitchin' pair of shades on. I swear he
could have gotten laid that night if it weren't for the whole
rigor mortis thing."
Apparently Goodman's Funeral Home is scheduling stand-up night
for anyone who is dead on Thursday. CEO Robert Goodman
commented, "People get so depressed, for Christ's sake, it's
supposed to be a happy occasion."
If you're interested in doing stand-up, send your applications to Tim@radicalcomedy.com
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BIBLEMAN FORCES NON-BELIEVERS INTO ACCEPTANCE BY "BEATING THE SHIT
OUT OF SINNERS"
ATLANTA, GA- Local vigilante and devout Christian, Bryan Thacker, took a new
approach to fighting crime Friday when he unveiled his partnership with the
popular crime-fighting super-hero: Bibleman.
"I'm not scared of these sinners," commented Bryan, "I'll take my
BibleSword and beat the living shit out of them if they don't convert."
Local atheists are terrified of Atlanta's future. Jerry Steiner, social activist
and frequent bar-fly commented, "Man I was just sitting at Sal's you know,
having a coldy, and this freak comes in yelling, 'I will slay any sinner!' We
all just kinda shrugged it off, thinking maybe he hit the rock a little too
hard. But then he comes up to me and starts beating me with a plastic sword. I
mean shit! What a weirdo!"
Thacker responded to this criticism by saying, "They may think I'm crazy
now, but wait until Judgment Day. Wait until the demons come out of the sky and
scoop-up the sinners so they can rightfully scorch away in a pit of fire. Wait
until the sinners are in a continuous state of pain and torment. Then they'll
say, 'I should have listened to Bibleman.'"
For more coverage on the rapture, stay tuned to RadicalComedy.
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OLD MAN RUINS FAMILY GOLF TRIP COMPLAINING, "IT'S TOO GOD DAMN HOT
TO BE DOING THIS."
Gainseville, GA- The Habersten family just had the worst golf
outing of their lives Saturday when they decided to be a good host
and invite Grandpa Habersten to go play with them.
"It was entirely too hot to be playing. The damn kids kept running
around the damn field, skipping and yelling."
Apparently Jim and Nancy Habersten and their lovely daughters
Rebecca and Sarah felt like it would be a nice thing for grandpa to
do. "Grandpa usually just sits around-" claimed Rebecca. "We just
wanted to get some fresh air."
After 45 minutes at the course however, the family was ready to
throw in the towel.
"You can't do anything nice for that old bastard," reported Jim
(who is not a blood relative of Grandpa Habersten). "A day with
Grandpa is Grandpa's day."
We'll give you more on the Haberstens as the story progresses.
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