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INDIANA
CAR COMPANY TAKES "DIRECT APPROACH" |
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FT. WAYNE, INDIANA- Jack Riley, owner of "Jumpin' Jack's Used
Cars," which is known for its' "Lettin' 'Em GO Low Rates!", took a
radical advertising technique Sunday when he unveiled his new "Money
Saver Guarantee".
 The package includes:
* A four hundred dollar
rebate on any 1999 model Cutlass...
* BIG $$$ on any trade-in,
even if you TOW it in.
* An awesome bumper-to-bumper warranty.
* A free pipe-cleaning from Rebecca, their newest college
intern.
"This is a great way to boost the sales of the
company," boasted Rebecca. "I swear, Jumpin' Jack and his 'Lettin'
'em go rates' is the best place to buy YOUR new car."
Jumpin'
Jack is scheduled to appear in court Thursday for bestiality charges
on local domesticated animals. More coverage as the story
unfolds... |
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LARRY FLYNT SCHEDULED TO ATTEND CALIFORNIA CHURCH
SACRAMENTO- Deacon Raymond Baxter of the West Side Church of God
was overjoyed to have guest Larry Flynt attend one of their
Wednesday meetings.
 "We're going to take a more sexy approach to
religion," commented Raymond to local press. "We want the young kids
to really WANT to come to church... because they're having a good
time."
Apparently the church is scheduling standard Sunday
services followed by "Bloody Mary" Monday morning services, and
kinky Old Testament Twister Tuesdays (accompanied by the Hustler
models).
This new approach has gotten mixed reactions from
the community, but the Deacon insisted, "It'll just take them a
while to get used to the changes. In months we'll have people lining
at the door to get in." |
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FUNNY WAYS TO PISS OFF OLD PEOPLE
1) Mumble until asked to speak-up, then get real close and
mumble in their ear.
2) If they have dogs, run around the house
real fast and get the dogs real excited. Then hide in the closet
until they ask you to leave.
3) Whenever introduced, shake hands
and then immediately smell your fingers.
4) If they try to grab
your cheeks, get a good grip on one of their nipples and drag them
across the room.
5) Loudly yell "BINGO!" and then turn to them
and say, "Had ya goin', didn't I?" |
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AIRPLANE OFFICIALS CLAIM, "AT LEAST IT WON'T HURT IF
YOU'RE HIGH"
WASHINGTON- In a shocking press conference,
Janet Bernard, spokesperson for the National Air Traffic Association
commented, "We've just been telling the passengers to huff enough
fumes to fry an egg."
Apparently in routine passenger
training demonstrations before lift- off, flight attendants have
been demonstrating this new technique of accident preparedness.
"We show the people where the gas masks are and show them how to
put them on," commented one attendant. "Then we tell them if we do
wind-up crashing that it's going to be the best buzz of their life."
Several passengers were enthused, including Scott Marshall,
who commented, "I mean nobody wants to crash. But if the damn thing
is going down, let's not kid ourselves. Pass me the drugs."
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