OCTOBER 30, 2000  
     
 

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  WOMENS' AEROBICS FIND NEW WAY TO TIGHTEN ABS  
 

A new trend in exercise practice has been rising in popularity due to the wave of random beatings in the Southwest portion of the United States.

New Mexico officials commented Sunday, "Well Hell, all the women say it feels good. That's what we've been saying for years. Hopefully we'll see more women wrestlers."

One of the leaders of this new exercise cult (Who insisted her name was "Cornwallis") was reportedly spotted in the local shopping malls insisting that the wide-eyed pre-holiday shoppers punch her in the stomach.

We'll bring you more as the story progresses.

 
     

     
 
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  STAGE FRIGHT AFFECTING NATIONWIDE BAR URINALS
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  LOCAL CANDY SCANDAL AT iEntry EDITORIAL ROOM

Betsy Boyd, the alleged smuggler of assorted chocolate snacks, was questioned last Friday for hiding candy from her fellow iEntry employees.

"If Tim would stop eating all the Twix bars," she told officials early Saturday, "This would not be a problem."

Tim Mars failed to comment.
 
     

     
  FIGHT BREAKS OUT IN BRIDGE TOURNAMENT
Margaret Seymour, grandmother of three and renowned bridge player, assaulted Opel Sandoval this weekend during what initially seemed like a standard game of bridge at the local activities community in St. Augustine, FLA.

"She mocks me," Commented Margaret. "She thinks she's still 50, prancing around in those polyester muumuus. As if nobody notices that her bosoms hang to her knees."

Apparently the scuffle broke out when Margaret accused Opel of, "Not only taking the tricks, but being a trick" as well. The two exchanged punches for a good ten minutes resulting in a few black- eyes and some broken dentures, according to spectators.

"Margaret's got a good left hook, but Opel was getting her with the upper-cuts," commented one witness.

Opel was last seen heading north on I-75. 		 
     


     
  ADVICE FOR DEPRESSED METS FANS:

1) Demand that the series be re-played due to lack of sufficient evidence.
2) Continuously wear Mets clothing everywhere you go and be a real asshole when the game is brought up.
3) Kick your TV and make your son the best damn ball-player of all time.
4) Sit around with your buddies and drill the topic into the ground.
5) Ambiguously pick some random basketball team and die-heartedly support them.

Edited by Tim Mars 		 
     
 
     

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