OCTOBER 26, 2000  
     
 

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  CONGRESS PASSES NEW "HOT CHICK" LAW  
 


Congress passed a radical new bill Thursday banning beautiful women from walking the streets in revealing costumes unless they are interested in quick sexual encounters.

North Carolina Senator Jesse Helmes, in a meeting with reporters, claimed, "All my buddies, when they look at a really hot chick, keep saying 'DAMN', that should be illegal! So I started thinking, 'Hey, I help make the laws in this country, I'll see what I can do."

Congress seemed unsure of the decision, but very excited about going for a walk.

 
     

     
 
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  YOU DON'T WANT HER
If you hear your date say one of these things, at any point in the evening, go home. You're better off spending the night with Rosie Palms.

"I hope you're horny, 'cuz all of my scabs just cleared up!"

"My boyfriend would love to watch the two of us go at it."

"I don't like to hurt people during sex, I wait until you're asleep."

"I think everyone is beautiful in their own special way, even you."

"Really, there's nothing wrong with me that a little lithium and a good occasional beating wouldn't fix."

"Well, you see the whole catch to a noose is not only choking you, but there has to be enough pressure to snap your neck. Want me to show you?"

"I'm so glad the surgery was a success. I think I really look like a woman now. What do you think?" 		 
     

             
     
  EDITORIAL
I don't eat white, creamy shit. You name it: mayonnaise, ranch dressing, bleu cheese, cottage cheese.

If it's white and creamy, it's not going in MY mouth.

The worst is when I go to a burger joint drive-thru. I say it two or three times, "Look, I hate mayonnaise. No mayonnaise on my burger."

Wouldn't you know it, I get back home and I have a burger that looks like it's been given a once over by John Holmes.

Perhaps I have some issues I should address concerning my culinary prejudice, but until I have to look face-to-face with myself regarding my loathing for anything that has a milky-white consistency, one thing shall remain the same.

I ain't eating no white, creamy shit.
 
     

     
  STICK BUTTA IN YO PANTZ
Bored? Lonely? Horny?

If you're any one of the three, throw a stick of butter down your pants. It may not be a substitute for a night alone with Pamela Anderson Lee, but it may be fun for you, you sick bastard.

Edited by Tim Mars 		 
     
 
     

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