| |
| |
|
|
| |
ARCTIC HUNTER CLAIMS, "I FINALLY PUT THAT FAT-ASS BASTARD OUT OF
COMMISION"
North Pole - Stew Cardhudlle loaded up his pump-action, 12 gauge
shotgun Sunday on a quest for his possible dinner that night. His
wife was pleased when he arrived with an overweight man, several
reindeer, and sled full of worthless products.
"Hell I just come around the tree right? There he is, running in
circles. Christmas was over month ago. He die," mumbled Stew.
Children around the world are grieving the loss of such an
influential character, but market analyst Jane Reuss of "Money
Today" magazine says his death will not impact next year's big
season.
"We're still predicting a big season next year," assured Reuss.
"Santa was really outdated anyway. Kids across the planet were
reporting wide-spread errors. One child in Germany said he asked for
the new Play Station and received a Montgomery Ward sweater instead."
Local police are investigating the crime, but are not yet ruling
Santa out as being a possible guilty party.
"We can understand why someone would shoot him," said Sherrif Russel
Pickens. "In the off-season he strolled around town like he was
God's gift to Earth. After a couple of drinks got poured in him,
he'd start telling chicks his favorite 'I know you've been naughty,
but that's OK' line."
Cardhuddle awaits a trial and is expected to plead guilty to
"Understandable Manslaughter".
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
 |
Sign
up for PsychicRealm's 3 day trial
for ONLY 2.95. This includes unlimited psychicreadings
through email. Simply put, it is the best offer of its kind
on the internet! |
|
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
MONKEY BORN WITH GENETICALLY ENGINEERED CELLS FLINGS EXCREMENT WITH
30% MORE ACCURACY THAN "NATURAL MONKEY"
Boston, MA - Researchers at MIT were pleased Wednesday when "Utha" the
monkey gave birth to "Beans", the first monkey ever born with
genetically engineered cells.
Dr. Phillip Glass, who led the experiment, reported that Beans had
exhibited far greater intelligence than any other laboratory monkey
he had seen.
"Most monkeys, when they're so young, pick up their droppings
and throw them aimlessly. Also, when they urinate, they aim towards
their face to drink it. Beans is obviously far superior. He picked
up the feces and threw it directly at me. He also urinated INTO A
CUP, before trying to drink it," reported Dr. Glass.
The doctors are enthused about starting a program to teach Beans
to be bilingual. "Not enough monkeys can speak French," commented
Dr. Glass.
They also intend on teaching the monkey how to operate heavy
machinery with hopes of revolutionizing the modern workforce by
leaving chimps to do manual labor.
"We're only having slight problems with Beans as of right now," said
Glass. "He's obviously superior to other monkeys. We just have to
break his habit of screaming at the top of his lungs and constantly
swinging around. That's really going to slow our education process
down."
Dr. Glass concludes that, "You know if the administration or whatever
thinks it's a big crock of shit, well I'll just take the little
monkey that I made and get out of town. We have each other, and
that's all that matters.
Beans is scheduled to play back-up for Prince, as soon as he stops
"shitting on himself," says Glass.
We'll keep you posted.
Send your comments to Tim
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
 
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
SENILE POPE ASKS, "IF I CAN'T HAVE SEX...WHY CAN'T I PLAY HOCKEY?"
Vatican City - The Pope gave his annual speech this Wednesday
in Vatican City and shocked many of the crowds of eager people.
"He kept talking about hockey," claimed Janet Selma, devout Catholic
of Naperville IL. "I can't remember any references to the Bible at
all."
Excepts from the speech were obtained exclusively for RadicalComedy:
"Thy stick shalt hit thy puck. Thy puck shall plummet
into net of other team. Blessed is the goalie who misses
The Pope's shot. Blessed is the player who passeth to
Pope."
Witnesses say the Pope was eager to demonstrate his obvious new
obsession with hockey, and Vatican officials are curious how long
this will continue.
"The other day he was telling us he really wasn't the Pope," claimed
Giorgi Vincetta, chief advisor to the Pope. "Then he blessed me
again. That was the second time that day. Then I think he looked
over at his favorite chair, as if it was about to say something, and
blessed that too."
The Vatican plans to make a public statement regarding the Pope and
his new found "talent" for hockey.
Send your complaints to Tim
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
THIS WEEK: WHY BOBBY CAN'T STAY SOBER
A Poem, by Tim Mars
Bobby wakes up feeling blue
His liver shot, and stomach too.
Bobby has the shakes at lunch,
He drank Mommy's hair spray instead of fruit punch.
Too much sneaking sips from Daddy's cup,
Made Bobby lose the lunch he gobbled up.
When he's sober, Bobby won't come near ya'.
But look, Bobby's showing his balls to the cafeteria.
Little Susie wants to see what's in his pants.
Bobby was too drunk and showed his ass.
The lunchlady offered roast beef and corn,
Bobby, being drunk, solicited porn.
He stumbles through school, barely slept a wink.
All he really needs is a good stiff blowjob.
Send your irate rantings to Tim
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
